Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Crushing Blow


Giving John Z a hopeless case of alcoholism

When one “Tells his story” to another drunk there is this supposed this ‘magic thing’ that occurs - a bonding of humanity that many people believe will ensure the sobriety of the new person. They believe this to be the ‘identification’ necessary to make another drunk not ever want to drink again. That is complete and utter bullshit. Yet some people want to continue to imagine it to be true.

True identification - the deep visceral and complete kind that happens when one alcoholic talks to another comes only when that talk is of things so visceral and so deep and complete that there can be nothing to disrupt the final conclusion - that I either AM or AM NOT one of you.

"He wow, man, I hacked up my mother law into a million little pieces and dumped her into the Atlantic too" -- just won't cut it - no pun intended -- no matter how similarly unique we feel about our experience.

If you identify with someone like this - you may become the best of friends - so go start a freakin club or something - but this alone will not bring about the necessary trust that can happen only at the deepest and innermost levels of conscious and unconsciousness required to do the near-impossible-yet-very-possible thing necessary to recover from terminal alcoholism - that is to say have " a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps." (Step Twelve)

Complete trust is necessary because the Program is so demanding. When someone cannot do it it is because they are not desperate enough to go to any length and they convert the steps off the Program and stick blame on the sponsor. He was TOO RIGID - he was TOO STRICT. He was a Step Nazi! One of the foulest names any of us have ever been called.

The late Joe Hawk, one of our good friends in fellowship of spirit once asked, “What must be in the mind of a person who call another member a name like “Nazi?’” You would not want to be living inside of that person’s head, would you?

Driving John home from the meeting I am able to give him prime examples out of my personal arsenal of stories that clearly illustrate the two things with which John must identify. I like to tell these stories as if they are simply part of our off the cuff friendly chat - but I really am working him into step one. How is this Step one? Well, John needs to be able to admit that he is alcoholic right? How can he do that if does not know what we mean by “alcoholic”? He cannot.

So I have to show him what we mean - so that he can determine if he fits the description. I cannot tell him but he must discover his own truth. He needs to hear me tell what I have learned about alcoholism and response with, “Holy SHIT! I know what you mean!” Or ‘” Jesus Christ guy. That’s too bad for you fella.” He might not. Not right away.

Do you remember the story of Fred the Accountant? When Fred was first “twelve stepped” he said, “Thanks for the info.” and went away not believing that he was as bad off as the guys telling him their stories. He caught up with their stories soon enough though. Down the road a bit he drank again despite his lack of desire to do so - or should I say despite his great desire to "not drink" anymore - and ol' Freddie Boy finally realized that he was every bit “as bad” as those AA fellows.

"It was a crushing blow.
" Fred admitted.

Right now, I cannot tell if John is there where Fred the Accountant was or not. John seems to be a good listener and for now I do have his full attention. He listens intently to each of the two legs that hold up my story - the one about obsession and the other about physical craving. I then ask him if to tell me about his drinking. His responses are disappointing. I was expecting John to jump out of his skin like so many do when I explain how I reacted as was affected by alcohol. Instead he jumped intellectually. His astonishment was how he had never heard alcoholism explained in this manner before despite that he had been coming to AA “since the seventies” as he puts it. Most people to whom you plain alcoholism the way it is explained in the Big Book have never heard it before. John Z is no exception.

I am not quite sure about John yet. We need to do more. Despite my attempt - John has thus far been unable to take step one. That usually means that I have a non-alcoholic - perhaps problem drinker - but non-alcoholic never-the-less - on my hands. If that is the case, I need to really be sure before I cut him lose and give him the news.

Is it good news or bad news? That is a question that even I wrestle with continuously. If one is NOT an alcoholic and one still have horrible problems as the result of heavy drinking - the solution can become a long drawn out process of rehabilitate, counseling and even trial and error and relapse is an option. While real alcoholics have a Program that is fast acting, effective and permanent. But is the most drastic and difficult one to follow. It is a matter of perception, I guess.

Before I let John out of the car I ask him one final question - a question without the answer to which we cannot proceed and could mean the difference between life or death, recovery and suffering. Johns answer to that question gave me hope - the hope that maybe John will receive his crushing blow.

No, I am not satisfied that he is a real alcoholic and this answer was the hope that I needed in order to continue with him.

"John, do you want to stop drinking forever?" I asked him.

"Danny, I have to." he said. He was halfway out of the car with one foot on the street and one still on the carpeting in my car.

"But do you want to?" I asked again. "I didn't ask you if it was necessary - any asshole might see that you are fucked if you don't. What I want to know John is . . . do you John . . . want to stop drinking today and for everyday hereafter? It's a simple question, John."

"Well than I will give you a simple answer. Yes." he said, and that is all he said and is all I want to know - for now anyway.